Saturday Night Salvation

A random email from the sent items folder.

To: dealsuntv@sunnetwork.com

Subject - Deel or No Deel Participation

Dear Sir,

Let me introduce myself. My name is Dealer. I am like any other ordinary viewer of your show - Deel or No Deel. After your show, Saturday nights are never the same again. I am thrilled with your show like any other viewer and cannot wait for Saturday nights to happen. I am the Pee in your TRP. Your ratings are made up of *hit like me.

Your show certainly lives up to it's reputation. Your website has this to say about your show: "A unique mix of world class sets, a simple format that is easy to understand, edge of the seat entertainment and an engaging host come together to make Deel or No Deel a fabulous television viewing experience." "The game involves 26 suitcases (sic), each of which contains an unknown amount...."

It's quite revealing to see 26 fabulous ladies clad in half-sarees or miniskirts walk in for the show. You will never believe me if I tell you that my IQ has touched great depths by the questions you ask at the beginning of the show like "What is the name of Vijay's latest movie? Option A - Sura or Option B - Adho Paar-ra." With my new found confidence, I am seriously eyeing taking a crack at the Civil Services this time.

Just the other day, I was watching and the participant was over 45. In your previews for the episodes that you beam endlessly (60 second preview beamed once every 30 seconds) on all your channels, it was shown that he was never married at this age as he had to take care of his aged mother and also due to his very low earnings. During the show, you showed his Mother as part of the Audience and she was weeping that her son never married and her wish was to see him married. You ensured that he won a great deal of money and as part of his post-show interview, he was saying that he is going to get married soon, with the money you had given. Oh... how generous of you!!!! I am sure that your show is blessed by Lord Nithya Kalyana Perumal.

In another episode, there was an old lady who participated in the place of her daughter. Your endless previews for this episode showed that the lady started to break-down and cry as she had recently lost her daughter (God forbid!!!) and she is playing the show so that her daughter's education loan can be repaid to the merciless bankers who were insisting that it be repaid, even when her daughter had passed away. How sad. God bless her soul. Your banker proved that he is a better banker and ensured that she got sufficient money so that she can silence her tormenting bankers. I see your banker as even more generous than King Mahabali.

There was yet another episode where a guy who is drawing a salary of Rs.15 per hour participated. Your previews showed his forlorn looking supporters looking like lost paper ships in a level 5 hurricane. Oh.. What a moving sight. I am still crying.

All this got me so interested that I now want to participate in your show. I downloaded the form from your website. Since the link to the vernacular forms are not opening, I downloaded an English form. I am not able to fill out some of the details in your application form for participating in the show. I am confused about some of the questions being asked.

For instance, question # 3 states - "Please list your last 3 jobs". Do you expect everyone to have changed jobs like ladies changing S**** pads every month? Or is it your intention that someone who has changed jobs at least thrice is already bound to have made a great deal of money than a loyal stickler and a positive answer to this question will be a reason for immediate rejection of the applicant?

Question # 9 asks the applicant to "Describe your most embarrassing moment". This question is plainly embarrassing to answer. Do you expect the applicants to reveal things like getting caught while cross dressing or picking up and chewing the bubble gum that fell out off their mouth in the urinal floor? I am not clear what you expect applicants to write here. Whatever it is, I am sure that you may want to cover this bit in your show, if you find the thing to be a bit juicy. (And I do mean about the bubble gum bit).

You also want the applicants to fill in details of their supporters for the show and why they want them to participate in the show. If I mention that I bring some relatives who are half blind, walk with a bend and stammers while talking revealing clipped false teeth, I am sure that I will get selected for the show. Answering this is no big deal.

What is even more puzzling is the questions 16 through 20 in your application for participating in Deel or No Deel. They ask about the crimes committed by the applicant, details of FIR/ Case numbers, details of litigation against the applicant, any conviction / punishment received while sentencing etc. Do you expect applicants to say that they are better than Jack the Ripper and Charles Sobhraj? Or are you looking for people who are like Charles Manson, so that you can show case them on the show and increase your TRPs? If you could explain this to me as if I am a five year old, it would help me to choose between filling up your application and going for a confessional booth in my nextdoor church.

I have this one last question: In the declaration portion of the form, where the applicant has to read and affix their sign, I find one peculiar clause: "I agree and accept that in the event of any death or injury or bodily harm caused to me at the time of auditions/ shooting of any episode of the Show/ Program........................shall not be responsible for the same." Do you expect your show participants to get killed or losing their limbs while participating as participant or audiance? I thought that is reserved only for people who watch your show. Can you please clarify on this?

I am eagerly awaiting your replies,as I cannot wait to participate in your show and get my miseries and grief paraded in front of a billion people. Your show certainly deserves all the accolades.

The smooth talking Nick Naylor would have certainly called your show as "Nothing less than trafficking in human misery".

Thanks & Regards - Dealer.