The ONION

The Onion Times
Thursday, December 23,  2010.
City Edition. Vol.3 Peel.7

The Headlines:

Onion prices hit record highs
New Delhi, Dec 22 - Onion prices hit a record high today in the New Delhi wholesale market, touching 347 rupees per gram. This has prompted the Prime Minister to cut short his visit to his hometown and return to Delhi to deal with the latest crisis. This was 8.9% higher than the previous record set last year.......

Russian President arrives on a 3 day visit
New Delhi, Dec 22 - The Russian President arrived here today to a full state welcome as part of a historical visit. He is accompanied by 830 Onion farm owners from Russia. India and Russia are expected to sign a record Onion import deal worth $700 billion during the President's visit thereby providing a big boost to the bilateral trade between the countries....

Page 2:
Drawing competition held
Hyderabad, Dec 22 - A school in Jubilee Hills held a drawing competition for kids below 10 years of age. The competition involved painting of Onions by the kids. It was a real challenge for the kids, as they have not seen an Onion in a long while. It proved to be a test of their ......

Teacher Arrested
Hyderabad, Dec 22 - A teacher of a leading private school was arrested here by the special branch police team. According to the parents of the children of class 2 studying in this school, the class teacher had given an assignment to the children which involved pasting pictures of different vegetables including Onions. This had reminded the children about the Onions that they had forgotten for a while and they had started asking their parents to buy Onions. The parents were enraged by this and went to the school to demonstrate against the callous attitude of the teacher in spoiling young impressionable minds. To placate the agitating parents, police authorities intervened and arrested......

Page 3: 

Man stabs techie friend to death
Hyderabad, Dec 22 - A 32 year man from Tarnaka killed his techie neighbor in an altercation. Witnesses describe the incident as gruesome. According to the witnesses, the man had returned from work and while having his dinner, smelled something fishy about his next door friend's house. He found out that his techie neighbor friend was having fish masala made with some Onions which he had refused to share with the man. In a fit of rage of uncontrolled magnitude, the man stabbed his long time neighbor......

Police raid city Bars
Hyderabad, Dec 22 - The Greater Hyderabad police raided leading bars in the city yesterday, following complaints about illegal serving of onion pakodas as side dish along with drinks ordered by their guests. The ACP spoke to the Onion Times and here is what he had to say.....

Page 4:
Karnataka Minister questioned by CBI
Bangalore, Dec 22 - The CBI regional director and his team questioned the Karnataka minister over alleged allegations of cornering 3 Kgs of Onion produce for his family's consumption. According to informed sources, the Minister had......

Page5:
High Court judge claims harassment by Minister
Chennai, Dec 22 - A High Court Judge created a flutter in the court today by openly saying that a Minister was trying to bribe him with half a kilo of Onions to pass a judgement in favour of his relative. Reacting to this incident, the Judge said the very low quantity of the bribe had prompted him to come out in the open to denounce the minister for his poor view of the value of the Judiciary.....

Page 6:
Discourse by Swami Bhaktananda
Kolkata, Dec 22 - Swami Bhaktananda held the huge crowd mesmerized by his discourses, in the Central College grounds here. He advised people not to tread the path of violence and find peace within them. He was explaining to people how the lust for Onions have ruined the spiritual framework of the country. He encouraged the people to take to Meditation to keep their minds off Onion and Garlic. Regular practice of Meditation will help in.......

Page 11:
India and Russia expected to sign a multitude of deals
New Delhi, Dec 22 - India and Russia are expected to sign a multitude of deals tomorrow involving the import of Onions from Russia. Russia has also genorously offered to provide know-how on newer Onion varieties to India for joint production......

Page 14:
Allium India shares jump
Mumbai, Dec 22 - Allium India shares hit the higher circuit breaker today, as investors scrambled to get their hands on the company's shares. Huge demand for the shares by the FIIs lead to the share hitting the higher circuit breaker. Allium shares continued to defy the downfall of the Sensex, as the company has announced its plans to acquire California based Oni One Technologies Inc, the leader in Onion and Spice R&D space.....

Page 16:
Hackers down Pay-sites
New York, Dec 22 - Hackers belonging to Anonymous group briefly brought down many pay sites today. They did it allegedly as an act of paying back for trying to shut down the whistle blower site, Wikileaks. According to a leading analyst, the perpetrators had used TOR based systems to create anonymous packets and used the Onion routing method to bombard the sites with packets of useless information, leading to ......

Page 20:
Onions rattle Aussies
Sydney, Dec 22 - England ended the day 4 of the 3rd Test against Australia in a strong position to win the match, thanks to the efforts of their lead bowler Graham Onions. Onions rattled the Aussie top order and ended the day with figures of 5 for 36 and helping England get to a strong position in the ongoing Ashes.......

PS: This posting is dedicated to "the ONION" and its fans and patrons.

(C) Vijayaganesh Sampathkumar, 2010. All Rights Reserved.

Oru CBI Diary Kurippu^

(^ - A CBI Diary report - translated from Malayalam).

Have you ever watched a movie and pissed in your pants or whatever else you normally wear? No???

Are you sure??? Still No???? Oh... Come on.. Don't give me that.

Not even in your childhood? Not even in your dream? Oh.. I don't believe it. Anyway, since you are not being forthright with me, that doesn't mean I should not be forthright with you. Read on to know my experience with this...

It was a cold day in December 2010. I usually buy two newspapers, but something made me buy 3 of them on that day. I finished reading all the three before I left for work. On returning from work, I was watching all the usual dinky English TV news channels well into the night, before I retired for the day. All the papers / channels were covering the same stuff the whole day. Of course, its not about the Niira Radia tapes, silly!!! Why would the TV news channels cover about that, huh? Though they think viewers like us are dumb, they are not thaaat dumb. What did you take them for, huh?

I must have been really tired, because I had a long dream soon enough.

It was morning 7 AM and our guy was watching TV. They were showing a Tamil movie. The movie was Naane Raja Naane Mandhiri (I am the King - I am the Minister). Just then, his latest 3G (not bought with 2G money) cell phone rang. It was his PA. His PA was nervous on the other end.

"Saar... Saar... There is a bunch of cars in front of the house and lots of men wearing ties and coats are getting out."

"Wow... Amazing...How can you see whats happening in my home, while sitting there in your home?"

"Saar... Even in your house? I was telling that I could see them in front of my house. We are doomed."

"Cut the phone.. I will call you later."

A bunch of well dressed people entered the house. One of them introduces himself. "My name is Mamooty. I am a CBI Officer. This is a search operation and here is the warrant. Please co-operate".

"I have always co-operated with everyone involved. How else can I do what I did?"

They soon get down to work and were quite busy for a while. Meanwhile, our guy continues to watch the movie, not having anything else to do.

After the search:

"We have found these diaries. They are all written in Tamil. We think its all code words for payments made in the scam. Can you tell us what these entries mean?

"Scam? What are you guys talking about? I am a faithful worker of my party. I pray to my lord everyday. My lord will save me and he is none other than the great leader for whom there is no God."

"This entry is dated in November 2008. This says, Moo Ka 500. What do you mean by this? We think its 500 crores paid to a certain leader in your party."

"Oh... Thats nothing. While I was going for a meeting in Delhi, I saw one guy selling salted Chenna. I bought some for five rupees and ate it. In our village, people call this "Mookku Kadalai". So I wrote it in abbreviated form. In case you don't know, my neighbouring village people call it as "Konda Kadalai".

"What about this then.... December 2008, there is an entry named Kani 300?"

"Oh.. that is when we all had a drinks session within our party".

"So, do you accept that during the drinks party celebration, you passed on 300 crores to your leader's daughter?"

"Wait a minute. I never said anything about any drinks party. We had a party meeting and I got Mango Frooty cool drink and served everyone. It cost me 300 rupees".

" Clever.. eh.. what about these entries then. This one says, Son of S. Gandhi - 300?"

" Thats the amount that I gave him".

"Ah.. Finally. So you accept sharing your kickbacks. Don't you?"

"Kickbacks.. what are you talking about? There is a lady in our village by the name of Suryagandhi. I gave her son three rupees to buy some "Then Mittai" (Honey candy)."

"So.. are you saying you did not make any money in this whole scam? Never mind. We will know our answer in the next 3 months."

(To his deputy) - "Whats the latest score, man?"

"1203 / 251287"

"Its only the beginning of the innings. Wait till the score improves.  We will catch you with your hands inside the candy jar. We are waiting for the site to upload the relevant cable from the ND Embassy. They are sure to have sent a cable about this. Whatever we cannot find, those guys in the embassy would have easily found out long back, with their superior wire taps and fingerprinting technology. Afterall, what are you, when compared to Bunky Moon?"

(To his team) - "Guys.. Lets leave now. Start watching the site and get me the latest score everyday".

By this time, the movie on the TV was about to end. In the movie, there was a train about to leave and it blew a loud whistle. Thats when, our guy started pissing in his Dhoti.

C'mon.. I never did say anything about me pissing in my pants. Did I?


(C) Vijayaganesh Sampathkumar - 2010. All Rights Reserved.

A Conversation about God

"Hi there, Jane."

"Hi Anne. Great to see you again."

"Yeah... Its been a while since we met... Aah Choo..."

"Bless you"

"Aah... Aah... Aah choo..." (Uses hanky).

"Bless you"

"Excuse me Anne. It's the damned weather thats geting on to me."

"These days everybody gets the flu. Even Tom had it last week".

"Oh.. Tom!!! How is he doing nowadays?"

"He is doing okay...a bit naughty at times."

"Thats nice to hear, dear. Boy, he must have grown... How old is he now?"

"He is seven now."

"Seven!!!! How time flies? Even Rick had the flu last month. He was suffering a lot."

"Yeah.. I know how bad it can be. Me and Jim were really upset when Tom had the flu. We were moved to tears to see him suffering. Now he is doing okay."

"Rick did not eat properly when he had the flu. I hope I dont pass it on to him again".

"Did I tell you that we went for a vacation last month to the Caymans? We took Tom with us and he enjoyed the most."

"Oh...thats cool. How did Tom react to the water?"

"He enjoyed it a lot. That was his first experience with the ocean and beach. In fact he took it like a fish takes to the water".

"Thats wonderful. When we went for vacation to Hawaii last summer, Rick was scared of the water and he stayed indoors when I went surfing alone".

"Poor Rick."

"Yeah.. He did feel miserable."

"Tom enjoyed playing the Frisbee. He soon got the hang of it."

"Yeah. Even Rick likes the Frisbee. He prides himself in being an excellent catcher."

"Is that a new collar that I see you are carrying?"

"Yes. It is. It's for Rick."

"Why? What happened?"

"His neck problem is still there. His other collar got old and I thought of getting him a new one."

"Oh... You take good care of him."

"Yes. Rick is hoping to get his surgery done and we have booked for it. The waiting time is 5 months."

"Oh.. that reminds me. I need to pick up a new collar for Tom and also fix up the appointment with his regular Veterinarian for his annual vaccination. Its due next month."

"Yeah. Better do that on time. Don't take any chances. Also, try the new fur-cleaner that they show on TV. Tom will like it."

"Yes. I will try that too. Okay dear. Its getting late and I better get going. Need to stock up on some Pedigree and Ceaser for Tom on my way home. Tell Rick to take things a bit easy at the office. He is working too hard."

"I will surely pass it on. He never listens to me anyway. See you Jane. Take care of Tom and don't forget the fur-cleaner."



PS: There is a typo in the title of this post. Instead of typing it as Dog, it was wrongly typed as God. The order of the words is also incorrect. Thank you for your patience.



(C) Vijayaganesh Sampathkumar 2010. All Rights Reserved.

Much Ado About Nothing

"I am bored and confused".

"What? Why?" - me.

"I dont know what to prepare for lunch".

 "Its the usual. Roti."

"I know. But I need to prepare some subzi. I am bored of the same vegetables - Potato , Palakoora, Cabbage, Carrot, Beets. We are not eating anything different."

"What to do? I like Brinjals and Bhendi. But you dont like it. You like Bitter gourd and Kunduru.  But I dont like those. We both dont like bottle gourd and beans is too costly and good quality is not available.  What to do? Those are the only veggies that suits both of us."

"I am not getting different varieties of vegetables here like in Chennai. We dont get many vegetables like Chow-chow, Snake gourd, Plantain stem, Plantain flower, Knol-khol and others. Atleast try to get something different next time from the market. Try for some Cauliflower."

"Okay."

Few days later at the supermarket:

It was again the same old vegetables, but nicely packed. Suddenly something caught my eye. It was neatly packaged and said "Veg Dil Pasand" with a nice little bar code. I wanted to impress my wife and quickly added one packet to my basket.

Back at home:

"See... I have bought something new for you. Some new variety vegetable like you asked. Dil Pasand."(I was sure of getting some brownie points this time)

"What? I have never heard of it." (I thought I could smell a fully burnt brownie).

I showed her.

"I have never seen anything like it before." (This time I could even taste the burnt brownie).

It was looking pale green and looked a lot like a green tomato, but much harder. It had a thicker skin.

"But I dont know what to make of it or how to prepare it. I dont even know how I am supposed to cut it."

"Just make some subzi with it and add dal also... As for cutting, cut it into medium size pieces. We can safely manage that way."

"Can we give to the baby?"

"I am not sure. I will check in the Internet about it later. "

"Wait. I have an idea. Lets ask our maid about it. She is sure to have used those, being a localite".

"............ Ikkada raa ma".

"Yean amma. Ye-mi kavala?"

"Idhi choodu. Idhi ye-mi thelusa?"

"Thelledhamma.".

"Idhi peru thelusa?"

"Ledhamma. Idhi marketlo nenu choosthanu. Kaani peru thelledhu."

"Sa-ray. Paravaledhu"

"Okka idea ma. Ikkada corner-lo vegetable shop undhi kadhaa. Nenu akkada aduguthaanu"

"Sa-ray."

After some 5 minutes....

"Vaalukku kooda thelledhamma. Vaallu Knol-Khol nu cheptharu".

"This is not Knol-Khol. That guy is stupid" - Me.

"Why worry? I will check in google. You will know in two minutes" - Me.

Two minutes became two hours.

I started researching. I tried searching Dil Pasand under images.

I got a lot of pictures of those "one-quarter of a circle" things thats loaded with hydrogenated vegetable oils, coconut and artificially colored papaya tit bits (Tutti Fruti) that you see in the local bakeries. All those sights of 100% pure transfat and saturated fats made me cringe.

I tried lots of other options like tomato like vegetable, green tomato look alike vegetable etc. etc. All my tryst with google and search for this elusive Dil Pasand had no results to show for.

I ended up reading about Cumatos (a hybrid between a Cucumber and a Tomato, which again proved to be a hoax). I was reading about Kekiri a cucumber type vegetable grown in Sri Lanka known for its Ayurvedic properties. (By the way, do they have Ayurveda in Sri Lanka? All you Kerala Arurvedic massage centers, watch out!!!! The lankans are going to catch you in the act!!!). I also ended up reading about how Guinea pigs (not me, of course) like to eat Cucumbers during summer time.

I thought I finally found it.... It was Physalis Philadelphica a.k.a Tomatillos, a vegetable belonging to the Solanaceae (whats that?) family under the Solanales order of the Plantae kingdom, but grown in Mexico and used in the making of Salsa. It looked very similar to the vegetable I had in my hand. I was elated and very relieved. The relief lasted only a few minutes, as I looked at an image of a Tomatillo split in two halves. The inside looked totally different from the vegetable I had in my hand and even the seeds were looking totally different.

I finally realized that Google is of no use, if I dont know what I am searching for.

Finally the dish landed on my plate.

I need not have bothered with Physalis Philadelphica or Plantae kingdom hierarchy or the food habits of guinea pigs in summer or the Sri Lankan Ayurveda.

It was edible, after all. Otherwise, why would they sell it in the supermarket as a vegetable?

Just shows how we lose focus on the basics and get pulled into unnecessary stuff all the while.

Some Dil Pasand anyone?

Saturday Night Salvation

A random email from the sent items folder.

To: dealsuntv@sunnetwork.com

Subject - Deel or No Deel Participation

Dear Sir,

Let me introduce myself. My name is Dealer. I am like any other ordinary viewer of your show - Deel or No Deel. After your show, Saturday nights are never the same again. I am thrilled with your show like any other viewer and cannot wait for Saturday nights to happen. I am the Pee in your TRP. Your ratings are made up of *hit like me.

Your show certainly lives up to it's reputation. Your website has this to say about your show: "A unique mix of world class sets, a simple format that is easy to understand, edge of the seat entertainment and an engaging host come together to make Deel or No Deel a fabulous television viewing experience." "The game involves 26 suitcases (sic), each of which contains an unknown amount...."

It's quite revealing to see 26 fabulous ladies clad in half-sarees or miniskirts walk in for the show. You will never believe me if I tell you that my IQ has touched great depths by the questions you ask at the beginning of the show like "What is the name of Vijay's latest movie? Option A - Sura or Option B - Adho Paar-ra." With my new found confidence, I am seriously eyeing taking a crack at the Civil Services this time.

Just the other day, I was watching and the participant was over 45. In your previews for the episodes that you beam endlessly (60 second preview beamed once every 30 seconds) on all your channels, it was shown that he was never married at this age as he had to take care of his aged mother and also due to his very low earnings. During the show, you showed his Mother as part of the Audience and she was weeping that her son never married and her wish was to see him married. You ensured that he won a great deal of money and as part of his post-show interview, he was saying that he is going to get married soon, with the money you had given. Oh... how generous of you!!!! I am sure that your show is blessed by Lord Nithya Kalyana Perumal.

In another episode, there was an old lady who participated in the place of her daughter. Your endless previews for this episode showed that the lady started to break-down and cry as she had recently lost her daughter (God forbid!!!) and she is playing the show so that her daughter's education loan can be repaid to the merciless bankers who were insisting that it be repaid, even when her daughter had passed away. How sad. God bless her soul. Your banker proved that he is a better banker and ensured that she got sufficient money so that she can silence her tormenting bankers. I see your banker as even more generous than King Mahabali.

There was yet another episode where a guy who is drawing a salary of Rs.15 per hour participated. Your previews showed his forlorn looking supporters looking like lost paper ships in a level 5 hurricane. Oh.. What a moving sight. I am still crying.

All this got me so interested that I now want to participate in your show. I downloaded the form from your website. Since the link to the vernacular forms are not opening, I downloaded an English form. I am not able to fill out some of the details in your application form for participating in the show. I am confused about some of the questions being asked.

For instance, question # 3 states - "Please list your last 3 jobs". Do you expect everyone to have changed jobs like ladies changing S**** pads every month? Or is it your intention that someone who has changed jobs at least thrice is already bound to have made a great deal of money than a loyal stickler and a positive answer to this question will be a reason for immediate rejection of the applicant?

Question # 9 asks the applicant to "Describe your most embarrassing moment". This question is plainly embarrassing to answer. Do you expect the applicants to reveal things like getting caught while cross dressing or picking up and chewing the bubble gum that fell out off their mouth in the urinal floor? I am not clear what you expect applicants to write here. Whatever it is, I am sure that you may want to cover this bit in your show, if you find the thing to be a bit juicy. (And I do mean about the bubble gum bit).

You also want the applicants to fill in details of their supporters for the show and why they want them to participate in the show. If I mention that I bring some relatives who are half blind, walk with a bend and stammers while talking revealing clipped false teeth, I am sure that I will get selected for the show. Answering this is no big deal.

What is even more puzzling is the questions 16 through 20 in your application for participating in Deel or No Deel. They ask about the crimes committed by the applicant, details of FIR/ Case numbers, details of litigation against the applicant, any conviction / punishment received while sentencing etc. Do you expect applicants to say that they are better than Jack the Ripper and Charles Sobhraj? Or are you looking for people who are like Charles Manson, so that you can show case them on the show and increase your TRPs? If you could explain this to me as if I am a five year old, it would help me to choose between filling up your application and going for a confessional booth in my nextdoor church.

I have this one last question: In the declaration portion of the form, where the applicant has to read and affix their sign, I find one peculiar clause: "I agree and accept that in the event of any death or injury or bodily harm caused to me at the time of auditions/ shooting of any episode of the Show/ Program........................shall not be responsible for the same." Do you expect your show participants to get killed or losing their limbs while participating as participant or audiance? I thought that is reserved only for people who watch your show. Can you please clarify on this?

I am eagerly awaiting your replies,as I cannot wait to participate in your show and get my miseries and grief paraded in front of a billion people. Your show certainly deserves all the accolades.

The smooth talking Nick Naylor would have certainly called your show as "Nothing less than trafficking in human misery".

Thanks & Regards - Dealer.

Tweetwalking Tweeple

The Week Before Last:

@thecommissioner: Hi ya... (hic)...ladies and ladies.. (hic)...its a great post match party tonight. (hic).

@thecommissioner: Do a little dance..(hic) Make a little love... (hic) get down tonight (hic) get down tonight.

@thecommissioner:  I am too sexy for my shirt... so sexy that it hurts.... I am too sexy for my hat... too sexy for Milan... New york and Japan...

@sunnytony: Thats a DLF maximum...Its a silly moment of success for the Mumbai Kite-riders... oops.. beg your pardon..City moment of success.

@JobinRackman: I am in the Dilly Barely-Evils dug out now.... The team is tense out here watching the final overs.

@thecommissioner: Hey babe... hurry dear.. need to hug you... Meet me at the mall @ 7 na...

@hurricanekatrina: Hey commie... Not in the Mall-ya. @Sidharth will be lurking around there.

@thecommissioner: DWT - will pick you up in my new Mercedes babe.

@hurricanekatrina: Thats the way.. a ha a ha.. I like it... a ha a ha..

@externalaffairs_Jr: Did you like the birthday gift dear? Is it hot in Dubai?


Last week:

@prettyjunta: Hey Bread babe... he he...

@breadbee: Hi babe... you are Priety cool babe... he he...

@sunnytony: Yesterday, for our home, we bought a MRF blimp.. oops... sorry... CRI pump.

@thecommissioner: This is the list of shareholders involved in the laundry.

@externalaffairs_Jr: Dont wash your dirty clothes in the public, @thecommissioner.

@externalaffairs_Jr: I am innocent.

@Agri_Power: Yea kya baa... Thu aa baa..

@thecommissioner: I am flying to Dubai. wanna come with me Statuette?

@Figurine: I am in Mundra with Raj, darling. Not this time... kisses.

@JobinRackman: I am in the Dilly Barely-Evils dug out ....the team is six feet under.

This week:

@GuindyTV: Breaking news...Minister resigns.

@EXexternalaffairs_Jr: I am innocent. I have signed my papers.

@taxman: Mein aaya-ghar.

@ShawshankRedemption: The commissioner should resign. I will be the next commissioner.

@sunnytony: Thats a fabulous shot... What a product placement... oops... an excellent placement between long off and third man. Youngsters watching the game... thats how you score one run.

@PC_@_home: We leave no leaf unturned.

@prettyjunta: I am feeling hot... no..no.. heat from the raid.

@Agri_Power: Tu resign karo...

@taxman: Can you please take a moment to fill out this Survey about Laundry services?

@thecommissioner: No Chance.

@thecommissioner: I will not resign. I will only answer to God.

@GOD: Did you deposit my share in the Hundi in the Cayman account?

(C) Vijayaganesh Sampathkumar 2010. All Rights Reserved.

A very Witty girl

The last couple of weeks, the newspapers and their electronic age counterparts - the TV channels covered a much hyped up cross-border marriage. Such a mindless coverage made me loose my mind. I thought it's again time to write a Limerick about this silly affair.

Limericks are supposed to be dirty. So be warned!!!


There was a young girl who dressed neat
She thought her "king" indeed was Brad Pitt
This hyped up tennis ace
married with great pace
People thought her wit's smaller than her tit.

PS1 - You never listened to me..did you?

PS2 - There is NO spelling mistake in the title of this post.

(C) Vijayaganesh Sampathkumar 2010. All Rights Reserved.

No Such Thing

The other day, I went to the nearby Small Bazaar, a superstore by the Past Tense group.  I wanted to buy some stuff and thought it’s a good idea to go to the Small Bazaar, as I could buy whatever I needed in one place.

There was a cursory-at-best security check, before the entry.  For some reason, even if a bungling stupidest terrorist / shoplifter / thug wants to gain entry, they would have easily done so with the ease of a hot knife through butter.

Once inside, I was taking the things I wanted and dropped them in to my shopping basket. I noticed that in the toothpaste section there was a big banner for SUCH, a Toothpaste, which is co-created by a leading  cricketer. I wondered what the cricketer has to do with a toothpaste. Whenever he faces the bowlers, especially the fast bowlers, you could notice his shiny white teeth through the helmet visor, before he hits the ball. I never realized that it was an advertisement for this co-created toothpaste.

There was also SUCH a Tooth Brush. I wondered who would buy those tooth brushes and tooth paste. Definitely the fast bowlers who bowl to him would never buy those, as they would never want to have a brush with SUCH a player. However I noticed that every other guy in the supermarket had  SUCH a Tooth Paste /Brush in their shopping basket. I could see that they all were wearing a woolen coat.

It immediately made me realize that cricketers are waking up to the fact that they can put their name to anything and everything in India and can sell it off easily. They have cleverly started with the first thing you do when you wake-up. They have a whole new day in front of them to sell everything until we sleep. There could be a Gau-Tea next up for you to start your day with a cup of hot Tea. Or, there could be an Ass-win tissue paper for you-know-what purpose to help you wipe yourself out.

You can Sing or listen to Hari's Bhajan CDs while you are having your Bread-Hogg's corn flakes for break-fast. You can lock your house with Sean's Pole Locks. You can drive to your office in your latest model Mahendra SUV. If the drive is good, you can always Say - Wah!!!!

Need a wooden finish for your SUV's dash board and interiors? Just get Dinesh Car Teak wood polish. You can have Piyush's Ready-to-eat Chawal and Hari's packaged Bha-Ji for lunch. If the food is too hot, use the Pathan brand IR-FAN (India's Revolutionary FAN) to cool it.

Rain-ah? No worries. Take your Suresh-mark umbrellas that will help you keep dry. Pooja at home? Again no worries. Call Sharma Manpower services for the best in town puRohits. You can also buy YU-VI protected sunglasses from Raj Opticals.

In case you are one who is worried about an unwanted pregnancy, there is even a Steyn's iGuard brand of abdomen guards. It’s really fragile, thin and absolutely weightless. All you need to do is wear it and play a cricket match and ensure that you get hit on the right spot. It really works there will be some pain for 72 hours. After that.... You can forget about the kids.

Just then there was a clutter near me and it brought me back to my senses. A shop employee rolled in a cart and shouted aloud - "Trouser cloth - Only Rs.100/- Only for next 5 minutes. Hurry up..."

There was a mad rush and people pushed each other vying to take a Trouser cloth. Within a couple of minutes, everyone has taken a Trouser cloth and the cart were empty. I am sure that none of those who took it, ever had an intention of buying one, when they entered the store.

Just then, there was another announcement over the PA system. Special Offer - Buy SUCH toothpaste worth Rs.100/- and get one SUCH toothbrush free. Hurry up. Offer valid only if you bill it in the next 10 minutes. Again there was a mad rush and everyone around took 4 to 5 toothpaste packs and rushed to the billing counter.

I was a mute spectator to all this. I was wondering how the likes of these Bazaars and the Cricketers and the Advertisers and the Salesmen try to pry away the hard-earned money of common people using all sorts of techniques. I gripped my wallet tightly and went towards the billing counter.

God... I know that there is no such thing as a free lunch. Still, why are you making me come to such places and spend my hard earned money like this? I searched hard within myself for an answer. I did not find one.

May be I am also wearing a woolen coat like everyone else around me, without realizing it.

PS - This portion was added on 30th April 2010. There is a new Mango variety named after a cricketer. Read this article: http://www.ndtv.com/news/cities/a-mango-named-sachin-22076.php

In Tamilnadu, people call those who are a bit on the slower side as "Maan-gaa". For those of you, who don't know Tamil, "Maan-gaa" means raw un-ripe Mango fruit. The time is not far off when all of us will be made "Maan-gaa"s.

(C) Vijayaganesh Sampathkumar 2010. All Rights Reserved.

BILL OF LADY(ng)

Yesterday, the Bill of Lady(ng), that is, the Women's reservation bill, sucessfully sailed through the upper house of parliament. Here is my try at writing a Limerick about this:

It was a simmering day's tough work
Lead by a lady who won't touch pork
Sending the bill to house
which passed with lotsa rouse
Hey Ladies!! Open the champagne cork

PS - Not sure if I got the meters right... Anyone with more knowledge please feel free to correct or point out the mistakes.

(C) Vijayaganesh Sampathkumar 2010. All rights reserved.

1-800-KALD-LYF

"Hey... Wazzup man?"

"Hi. How are you? What a surprise... Haven't seen you in a long time."

"Yeah buddy.... I was the in the States for a while. Good to see you man!!!! What are you up to these days?"

"I am still in the same old job. How about you?"

"I went to the States and I was living my dream."

"Tell me all about it."

"Sure. I was there visiting a friend, when I saw an ad on TV for 1-800-GET-JOBS. I called up and a voice with a Texan drawl on the other end found me a job there."

"Is it? How did you manage your Visa?"

"Its simple man. I just called 1-800-VISAS-4U and got one arranged."

"Oh.. "

"Once I landed up in a job, I simply called 1-800-HOUSING and got myself settled in a nice condo."

"Then what happened?"

"I got myself a nice car by calling 1-800-EZE-CARS. They in turn called 1-800-EZE-LOAN. By the way, do you have a car?"

"No.. I still use public transport to commute."

"Oh.. Okay. New job, New car, New house. Everything was going great. But I felt lonely."

"Yeah.. Feeling lonely is bad."

"Yeah. It was certainly bad. Thats why I called 1-800-GET-FIXD and found a match for myself. I was living the dream."

"For all that good life,  you must have paid a good deal of taxes."

"No... I was too clever for paying taxes. I called 1-800-TAX-FRAD who helped me with my tax planning and I almost paid no taxes."

"Tax free life.... That must have been good for sure. Like in Heaven."

"Yes. It was good and going great for a while. It was then that I lost my job."

"Oh.. What happened?"

"I once called 1-800-BURGERS from my work place and ordered lunch."

"Oh.. But I do not see the connection."

"Yeah.... I forgot to tell you that I was working part-time in a Taco Bell joint."

"Okay. I see."

"Anyway, I could not get another job due to economic downturn."

"So what did you do?"

"I called 1-800-GET-JOBS again. This time I was told that there are no more jobs available. I had a feeling that the voice had a Indian / Filipino accent to it."

"Oh.."

"Yeah. It was then my partner was becoming a pain with her shopping sprees that I could not bank-roll. So I called up 1-800-UNFIXIT to solve the problem."

"Did that solve?"

"Yes. It did. That was the time I lost my house."

"Oh.. What happened?"

"Some whistle blower had called 1-800-DAMD-IRS and informed about my tax savings. They issued me notices and took away my house.I was left with only my Car."

"Thats sad..."

"Yeah...I wanted to do the dutch act and called 1-800-QIT-LIFE and got suggestions for ways to do it. "

"They even tell you that????"

"Yeah... You have 1-800 numbers for everything. You get free advice. I attempted it by driving in the wrong direction."

"My god... what happened then?"

"It was Superbowl evening and there was not a single soul on the road. My plan failed. I got caught the next day because of the traffic camera and they took away my car. They called 1-800-MAD-HOUZ and arranged to send me to the Asylum."

"Oh.. What a pity.."

"Yeah.. I had to go through rehabilitation. I called  1-800-LIV-LIFE and received daily counseling."

"That must have been good."

"Yeah... I was fully transformed and back to my old self. But I had no Job, no Money, no House, no wife and no car. My dream had ended."

"So what did you do then?"

"I got up, brushed my teeth and had my morning coffee."

(C) Vijayaganesh Sampthkumar 2010. All Rights Reserved.

The idea of Justice

Just the other day, I had to take the local train to my office. The trains are not that frequent, you know, even during peak hours. However, within a 25 minutes slot between 9:04 to 9:29, there were three scheduled trains.

I was in a hurry to reach my office that day and I was targeting the 9:04 train. I reached the station around 8.55 and found a large queue waiting to get tickets. The poor harried ticket clerk was trying his best to issue the tickets as quickly as possible. In fact, he was trying to issue tickets so fast that he was standing and issuing the tickets instead of sitting in his chair. Poor chap.

Still my queue moved like an earthworm. The reason???

There is a large notice in the glass pane of the counter that very clearly says "NO SEPARATE QUEUE FOR LADIES". But still lots of working women - who I am sure is not short on their education and can certainly read English - were going directly to the counter and getting their tickets. There was absolutely no queue for ladies. They simply walked up to the counter and got their tickets and got going.

 I was looking at my watch and the queue before me, every few seconds. I heard a train whistle and the 9:04 rolled into the platform and left. All those lovely educated ladies  got into the train and went wherever they go.

The queue still moved very slowly, as more and more ladies were pouring in and got their tickets. The clock was ticking. Another train whistle and the 9.14 came and went in a hurry.

I was cursing myself for choosing to go in a train, instead of using other private modes of transport. My blood pressure was certainly building up as the queue was moving very slowly. More and more ladies were walking directly to the counter - in spite of the notice - made me all the more tense. I guess I must have looked like a steam train myself. The clock showed 9.29 and still there were 4 persons in front of me. I was afraid of hearing the train whistle any second now. I was even tempted to abandon the queue and get into the train without a ticket, if I had heard a whistle then.

My turn came up and I got the ticket. The train came in at 9.32 and I heaved a sigh of relief. Thank god for trains that run late.

Anyone for equal rights for Women? You have my vote!!!!

The other day, after this queue incident, I visited the Laserium for the show. My mom and wife had left their handbags in the baggage counter, in view of the security measures. After the show, we were leaving in a hurry to catch our cab and I had the job of collecting the bags from the counter. There was a huge queue for collecting the bags and I thought I was finished.

I was thinking that why these ladies have to carry those damned handbags and I wondered what they had in those, apart from the obvious things they may need suddenly during those certain days of the month? I was cursing under my breath and joined the queue.

I was the only guy in the queue which had about 60-70 ladies and I was towards the end of the queue. All the different deo smells around me, made me dizzy. A security guard walked up to to me and said that I should not stand in this queue and there is a separate queue for Gentlemen and I should stand in that.

I thought what the hell. We are not going to the loo, to have to be in separate queues!!! Controlling my anger, I asked him politely, where is the Gentlemen's queue. He pointed to one side and said "over there". I went "over there" and found that there was no Gentlemen's queue.

That was because, I was the only guy there, to collect the bags. My long wait at the station a few days before flashed through my head. Happily I collected the bags and left within a few seconds, gleefully looking at the long queue of ladies waiting to collect their bags. The feeling I had at that moment was incredible. I felt that I had beaten those ladies in their own game and it was such a great feeling.

Thank god for all the ladies who carry handbags and for the guys, who think it is not a cool thing to be seen holding a ladies handbag.

I could recall Tom Hanks' response in the movie Philadelphia, when asked about what he loved being a lawyer. " It's that every now and again - not often, but occasionally - you get to be a part of justice being done. That really is quite a thrill when that happens."

I had my share of Justice.

(C) Vijayaganesh Sampthkumar 2010. All Rights Reserved.