Under Pressure

It was 9 AM at "Manoj" Bhavan.

His Excellency walked into his Office. HE resembled Geriatrix. He fancied himself after the Governorator. Upstairs his grandson was listening to his favorite song for the 3rd time that day. HE could faintly hear the words drifting in the air - "Mm Ba Ba Be.... Um Bum Ba De..."

HE went through the morning papers. Everywhere in the news, there was coverage about Tea-rror. HE shook his head.  Because of this Tea-rror issue, HE was having some sort of Delhi Belly for the last few days, which has been caused by the pressure from his superiors in Delhi.

His Assistant walked in to his office and informed that Delhi wants a status report at 10 AM. HE cursed under his breath about the pain of preparing multiple status reports these days. HE opted for this job because, he felt he has done enough work over the years and earned enough for seven generations and now it’s time for some southern sojourn. He did not expect such Tea-rror acts to happen. The music can still be heard upstairs - " Pressure..... pushing down on me.....Pressing down on you.... no man ask for....."

HE got the latest information from his various sources, asked his assistant to prepare the status report and send it to Delhi.

Around 11.30 AM, HE switched on the TV and located a Telugu news channel. There were pictures of burning buildings and people running helter-skelter in the streets and some rioting. Upstairs, unaware of his Grandpa's activities, his grandson was listening to his fav song for the 7th time that day. "Pressure... that burns a building down...Splits a family in two...Puts people on streets....Um ba ba be..."

HE switched off the TV and had a glass of water and went out for a College Annual Day Celebration, where he was the guest of honour. In the function, HE gave a speech about the virtues of hard work and importance of honesty. HE spoke about how not to give in to temptations and bow down to forbidden pleasures. HE got a good round of applause from the students. After the function, HE reached his 'Manoj Bhavan' office back by 2PM.

HE was having his lunch, when the phone rang. HE was informed about students laying siege to some legislators and how they were badly beaten up by the agitating students of the Bossmania University. Upstairs the music can still be heard. " It's the tea-rror of knowing what this world is about....Watching some good friends screaming 'Let me out'..."

HE was shocked at the news and left his lunch half way through to get more updates about the incident. He collected all the details for and sent a status report to Delhi by the 3 PM deadline. In the late afternoon, more reports came in about businesses being targeted and more violence on the streets. Upstairs, the same song was being repeated for the 12th time that day. "Pressure on people... People on streets...."

There were conflicting views coming out of Delhi and he could not handle much more. The Delhi higher-ups released a statement late evening and the impact of it was immediate on the city, adding further fuel to the tea-rror. HE feared more status reports and more work. HE could not handle all this. HE felt very stressed out, having to be in the middle of things when it was boiling. The music was drifting in from upstairs. "Turned away from it all like a blind man....Sat on a fence but it don't work..."

HE wanted to get away from it all. HE wanted to go into his own fantasy land and forget everything thats happening around him. HE could not take it anymore. Upstairs, still unaware of his grandpa's activities, his grandson was singing out loud along with Freddie Mercury..."Keep coming up with love....but it's so slashed and torn....Why - why - why ?....Love love love love love...."

Finally, the music seemed to inspire him. It was 7 PM and HE picked up the Phone and called a number that he regularly called over the years. There was a welcome message and he dialed 1 for English. He next dialed 2 for existing customer and then chose 4 for new contacts. He then dialed 9 to speak to customer service executive. After waiting for 6 minutes and 32 seconds, a voice finally answered - "Good Evening. Thank you for calling Fantasy Escort Services. How can I assist you?"

HE spoke in to the phone...." I need %^*((*&(#$$%%%$$#..." "Yes. That’s right. I want Three..." Yes.... $%$##@#$%%". "Yes. Thank you. That will be all for tonight.". He replaced the receiver. Upstairs, the music can still be heard. "Insanity laughs... under pressure we're cracking...."

A car drove into "Manoj Bhavan" at 9 PM and dropped three of his companions. The music from upstairs was loud enough to be heard in the portico. "Can't we give ourselves one more chance....Why can't we give love that one more chance..."

HE welcomed them and they all had a few drinks and made themselves comfortable for the night. This time the music was a bit softer and faint and gave a good backdrop for them. " And love dares you to care for...The people on the edge of the night... And love dares you to...."

One of the companions placed a mobile phone on the desk. It was needless to say that the phone had a camera and video recording facilities. They all retired for the day. The music was still drifting from upstairs for the 23rd time. "This is our last dance....This is our last dance....This is ourselves.... Under pressure....Under pressure.... Pressure...."

The next morning HE woke up alone and it was almost 10 AM. He switched on the bedside TV and was shocked to see some Porn clips being telecast as breaking news in a local channel.

Author's Note: For best results, its highly recommended that you listen to the song "Under Pressure" by Queen and David Bowie, while reading this posting.

(C) Vijayaganesh Sampathkumar - 2009. All Rights Reserved.

'Hagen-Dazs

He took his grandchild to the neighborhood park. He had promised his grandchild a special treat for good behaviour.

There were no trees or greenery in the park. It was just a lot of emptiness with a few benches.They sat down on a bench. He ordered a glass of water from the nearby vendor for his grandchild. The water was piping hot.

"Grandpa. Why do we always have to have the water, this hot. Can we not have water that's not so hot?"

"You mean you want something cold, dear?"

"What is cold, grandpa?"

"Cold is something that is .... cold... Its hard to explain, kitten. Its like Ice."

"Ice? Whats Ice, grandpa?"

"Ice is water.. That is frozen. Like they once had in Arctic and in Antarctic."

"Arctic? Antarctic? What are those, grandpa?"

"Arctic is the top of the world."

"Top of the world? You mean the desert that they showed in Discovery channel? Where camels roamed around and where there is no water, except for the oasis?"

"Yes. Thats the one."

"How there was ice in the desert? Its unthinkable, grandpa."

"The Ice was always there dear. The ice once covered the whole world. And slowly slowly it melted away and left a vast desert. And be careful dear... You are spilling the water from your glass. Don't waste it. It cost me a fortune.. that glass of water you are holding."

"Okay. I will be careful. Its great to have a glassful of water after such a long time. Thanks for the treat grandpa. And how did the Ice melt?"

"The Ice melt because, everyone wanted a bigger car, a bigger house, a bigger bonus."

"Come on Grandpa... How can Ice melt if someone had a bigger car or a bigger house?"

"Dear... Now you are talking like the signatories to the 'Hagen Accord."

"What's 'Hagen Accord, grandpa?"

"One fine winter day, all the important people in the world, met in 'Hagen and decided to issue what was known as the 'Hagen Accord. After signing the accord, they all sang - "Hey, Hey, I saved the world today.... Everybody's happy now... The bad things gone away...And Everybody's happy now... The Good thing is here to stay..." "

"Oh.. What happened after that grandpa? Did that stop the melting?"

"After signing and singing, they all had Häagen-Dazs, went back home and continued doing what they were always doing. They did not notice that the Ice cream had started to melt, before they had put in the first spoonful in their mouth."


(c) Vijayaganesh Sampathkumar - 2009. All rights reserved.

Tea-rror

The Tea-rrific city in the south which is the Toast of the MNCs, now finds itself in a Jam. The Biryani's own city is now Sandwich-ed between issues.

The reason? Suddenly, many people have started demanding that they want Tea and would not do with anything else. Its not only in the city, but also in the nearby Tea favoring districts as well.

Why this sudden affinity towards Tea? Demand for Tea is not something new, but was always there. In fact, the last few elections were fought over the Tea cause. However, the people's verdict was not overwhelmingly in favor of having Tea.

The Tea drinkers have suddenly felt that they are being marginalized by the Coffee drinkers from the fertile Coast. They feel that the Tea shops are slowly being bought over and converted in to Coffee shops. The Tea drinkers feel oppressed and marginalized, in their own words.

The VRS (Volunteer Rowdy Services) a non-existent party claims that it is the leading light for the Tea drinkers. They claim that they are fighting for the Tea cause and want to free the Tea drinking oppressed people from the sweep of the Coastal tide. The VRS party chief Mr.VCR (Volunteer Chief Rxxxx - Sorry I cannot expand this for obvious reasons) claimed that he will hit the fast lane in support of the Tea cause. He must have hit the gas a bit hard, as the statistics point out that he is finding himself in the middle of a "Student's Tea-distribution".

The Bossmania University students (or are they goons under the guise of students?) went on a rampage and ended up giving the city an impression of stale Biryani. They attacked the Malls and adjoining businesses, because the malls had coffee shops and the businesses were it's patrons. Scared out of their wits (or should I say Shxxs), the other shops downed their shutters in a domino-effect and fled without having their afternoon Tea. When the fuel pumps closed shop, the local news channels jumped in to fill the void by adding fuel to the fire and unnecessarily Tea-rrorizing the city's residents.

The State and the Central Governments are not able to clearly decide, if they want to meet with the demands of the Tea drinkers. They feel that  they cannot side with the Tea drinkers and there by incurring the wrath of the Coffee growers who ultimately lubricate the engines of the money-making political machinery.

I don't see any point in this whole issue. Coffee shops also serve Tea. Tea shops also serve Coffee. How many know this? How does it matter, as to who owns the shop? Let it be a Coffee drinker or a Tea drinker. What the people are going to get ultimately is a raw deal and a pissed up brew. How does it matter as to who pisses it up?

(c) Vijayaganesh Sampathkumar - 2009. All Rights Reserved.

To Change or Not To Change

I was wondering for the last few weeks, if I should change my blog's title.

I googled and found that everyone and their uncle had a blog titled "Thoughless Thoughts" or one of its variants. I felt that my blog needed a more distinct title.

So here it is. The new Title -
"Ganesar's G(y)an-ja. No Grass. Only Gas.

I thought some slangs would make it more distinctive. How do you like the new title? Share your views on the poll.

Nothing dopey about this.

Hungry Kya?

If I tell you a lie would you believe it?

No?...Yes?... May be?... It depends???

Think about it... It depends.. Right?

If you know that its a lie on the face of it, you would not believe it. If I camouflage it enough and present it in a way that you don't realize that its a lie, you would believe what I say in all probability. Isn't it?

How something is presented, makes all the difference. As I always say... Perception matters. Would you not agree?

Lets take the Global Hunger Index(GHI) for 2009 for example. Do you know that India is ranked at 65th position for the year 2009? 65th in what you might ask. Its 65th position for percentage drop in the GHI numbers. India's hunger index has dropped from 31.7 in 1990 to 23.1 in 2009.

What is this GHI? This GHI is issued by some Institute. By looking at the name, I thought it might be a lobbyist group for GM food industry. I did some Googling and guess what!!! Based on some documents I found, it has something to do with pushing GM crops on to unsuspecting developing countries. And whats more...its based out of Washington D.C.

Now, hiding under such a fancy name, they are issuing reports that India has a GHI of 23.1. This is considered as "Alarming" based on their own classifications. How do they arrive at this nice-looking number of 23.1? They have used this fancy formula:

GHI = (PUN+CUW+CM)/3

I can visualize you guys scratching your head and thinking that you don't remember this formula, just like how you don't remember Ohm's law or the L'Hopital's Rule. Don't be scared. Its rather easy and their website explains it. Thank God for websites.

PUN = Proportion of population that is "undernourished" (in %)

CUW = Prevalence of underweight children under five (in %)

CM = proportion of children dying before the age of five (in %).

As per data released by them, for India, the numbers are as follows:

GHI = (21+43.5+7.2)/3 = 23.9

I don't know what is the logical basis for this formula. How can they give equal weights for these and do a simple average?

How can One "Under-nourished" adult = One "Under-weight" child below five = One "Infant dying before five (God forbid)". Are you able to understand this formula? I certainly can't.

They are saying 21% of Indian population are 'Undernourished". I think they must have included all the young anorexic women, who are trying to attain the magical Size Zero as under-nourished. They must have also included our metrosexuals feeding on McDiets and Pizzaiets as under-nourished in terms of the nutrients they receive. Can't quite disagree with them, I would say.

As for the underweight children below five, I am sure the number must be wrong, considering the amount of Lays and Cokes, the various health drinks they show on TV with 23+ vital nutrients and the instant noodles that our children couldn't keep their hands off. Or is this underweight because of consuming all these items? I wish someone could answer me.

How sure are you, that the Brinjal fry you had yesterday was not made of Bt Brinjal?

Do you know that Mark Twain once said " Lies, damned lies and statistics"?

I know a good statistics when I see one. Do you?

(c) Vijayaganesh Sampathkumar -2009. All Rights Reserved.

Being Boring

I was feeling very bored today. The sheer boredom made me go out for something.

I had some money, but thought it would be a good idea to keep some more. I went to the nearby ATM. There was a huge queue in front of the ATM, waiting to withdraw money. Since I had no patience to wait, I went to another ATM. There was a cash out in that ATM. I went to couple of more ATMs and all had cash out. I was wondering why people were withdrawing all the money and the ATMs were dry, which was kind of unusual. I went to my bank's (which is the SBB or the State Bailed out Bank) branch for the cash and found that there must be at least 100 people waiting to withdraw money. I was perplexed and decided to make do with the money I had.

On my way out of the Bank, I saw a Liquor store being mobbed by a group of people. You can see them in the Al Anon meetings. The Al Anon regulars were breaking their wows with new-found enthusiasm. The store's staff had a very tough time in dealing with the mob, waiting to be served.

Next to the Liquor store, there was a small office with an even smaller Reception. I saw crowd of 10-12 senior citizens waiting in front of the office, which stuck me as odd. I have seen this office quite deserted on most occasions in the past. There was a name plate outside the office that said Mr.Leech was "IN". The people outside seemed to wait with a determined will. It seemed that they were willing to wait for a considerable while, to meet the occupier of the office. I vaguely recollected that the office was occupied by a person, whom I have seen in courts.

I went on my way and saw the neighborhood Blessed Souls Church being besieged by faithfuls. I knew today was not Sunday and checked my watch. It confirmed that today was Saturday. There was a huge queue (not as large as the one in front of the ATM) in the side entrance of the church that lead to the Confessional Booth.

In the next street, there was a Temple. Again, I saw a sea of humanity inside the temple offering prayers. Every inch of the temple was occupied by people. I could not help wondering how people have become very religious over-night.

I bought a newspaper in the corner shop to help me pass the time in my bus journey. The headlines screamed - Rice and Dal out of reach of common man". The article explained how the prices of basic food items are increasing in double digits on a weekly basis and how the Government is clueless to tackle this spurt in prices. I moved on to the entertainment pages. There was a small graphic that explained how one of the very recent releases is running to packed houses all over India, a phenomenon not seen on a scale like this before. On reaching my destination, I folded up the Newspaper. Having folded it, I did not notice that the Business pages explained how the real estate prices and share prices are falling like an airplane hit by AQ's missile and the Gold prices are going up as if there is no tomorrow.

I spent the next few hours doing what I set out to do. There was a large number of people, who also did what I did.

Halfway through my task, I developed a very bad headache. I could not stomach how lousy some things can be and how people are able to put up with such crappy stuff.

I took the bus back home, but did not read the paper this time, as the headache was troubling me. I got down from the bus and took a small detour to get me some Aspirin tablets for
my headache. My head was splitting by this time.

On the street corner, I saw a big Vinyl banner that had a picture of a guy. I remember seeing that guy on Sunday night television, selling Salvation for a few bucks. Next to that guy's picture, it was written in big bold words - "HIS JUDGEMENT COMETH AND THAT TOO RIGHT SOON". Something else was written below it, but I could not read on, as there was big group of people reading what's written in that banner.

I reached home and took a double dose of the Aspirin and went to sleep. I cursed myself for going out to watch the movie 2012 out of my boredom and getting the nasty headache in that process.

Now, may be you should read this all over again from the beginning.

(c) Vijayaganesh Sampathkumar -2009. All Rights Reserved.

Noblesse Oblige

A phone rings in Cambridge.

"Hello. Dr.Venki here."

"Hello Dr.Venki. Good morning. How are you old boy?"

"Good Morning. May I know who I am talking to?"

"Congrats man, for winning the Global prize for Chemistry."

"Thank you very much for your wishes. But, May I know who I am talking to?"

"Come on Venki. Dont say that you have forgotten about me."

"I am really sorry, but I cannot recollect your voice. Can you please identify yourself?"

"How can you be so forgetful Venki dear?"

"Er... Mm... I am frightfully sorry that i am not able to recollect your voice. If you don't mind can you please identify yourself?"

"Oh.. I don't believe it. Are you really serious that you cannot identify my voice?"

"Please...I am really sorry and I want to apologize to you for not remembering your voice. Can you please tell me who you are?"

"Ah.. I understand now. All scientists are a bit forgetful. I have seen that in lots of movies. Like the great scientist that you are, you are also a little bit forgetful, aren't you, my boy"

"Yes sir. I guess I am. Now, if you could please identify........"

"I am really annoyed that you cannot recollect me."

"I am really sorry sir. But i really cannot. I must be getting old. Now, if you could please identify...."

"How can you forget your old teacher, the one and only Nambirajan?"

"My old teacher? Nambirajan? I am sorry but your name doesn't ring a bell."

"Now.. this is too much Venki. How can you forget your old Chemistry teacher?"

"But sir... I really do not recollect you."

"Come on Venki... How can you forget your Chemistry Department's head in the Chidambaram University? After all I taught you chemistry during your Under Graduate course in Chemistry. How can you forget the teachers that helped you reach, where you have reached now?"

"But sir...Its not that I have forgotten my teachers. I have lots of respect for my teachers. But you see, I am not a Chemistry graduate. I did my major in Physics. And I moved out of Chidambaram when i was 3 years old. I never attended any school, leave alone college in Chidambaram. I think you are mistaken."

"Glad to have talked to you son. I am really proud of you. I am really proud of my student winning the Global prize. You have made me one proud teacher, son. Do you remember me telling you during your first year course that one day you will win the Global Prize? You have proved me right boy. I am really proud of you. I cannot wait to announce this to my team at the Chidambaram University. "

"But sir. You see ......."

The phone disconnects abruptly.

Dr.Venki faints.

(c) Vijayaganesh Sampathkumar -2009. All Rights Reserved.

What's your Philosophy?

Warning: All the interpretations are the Author's own. E & O E. Read on at your own risk.

Theism - You are a theist, if you believe that its because of God's actions that last night you were able to eat Butter Scotch Ice-cream.

Monotheism - You are a Monotheist if you believe that you got a bonus last year because YOUR God wanted you to have your bonus. You also believe that your colleague did not get any bonus because he believes in a different God than yours.

Polytheism - You are a Polytheist if you believe that God X will help you safely reach the exam center on time, even when you start late and God Y will help you get good scores even if you had not studied for the exam. You also believe that God X and God Y are friendly with each other.

Deism - You are a Deist if you believe that God exists somewhere and He created cows and the Cocoa plant so that you can eat Dairy Milk Chocolate.

(If you have read this far, you are indeed a risk loving person).

Atheism - You are an Atheist, if you believe that by wearing a Black shirt and reading Karl Marx and Bertrand Russell's works, you can prove to the world that there is no God.

Agnosticism - You are an Agnostic, if you know that you really don't know if you can know who or what is God.

Skepticism - You are a Skeptic, if you believe that Heaven is a Bar in your city and does not really exist in the form as told by your grandma in your childhood.

Noncognitivism - You are a Noncognitivist, if you regularly quote the sentence "Colorless green ideas sleep furiously" in religious discussions to prove that you are one of them.

Nihilism - You are a Nihilist, if you want to end your life just because you did not like the last meal you had.

(My God.. You never listened to me about reading this.. Did you? May be you should consider participating in Fear Factor for your risk taking abilities).

Fallibilism - You are a Fallibilist, if you believe that you will commit any Sin, if the price is right.

Secularism - You are a Secularist, if you believe everything they show in the movie Amar Akbar Antony is true.

Fatalism - You are a fatalist, if you believe that loosing your Gold chain, while standing in queue for offering prayers was anyway bound to happen and nothing could have changed it.

Determinism - You are a Determinist, if you believe that God knows about the Cocoa Cream Pudding you ate last night on the sly and he is bound to punish you for eating it from the fridge without your spouse's knowledge.

Have you found your Philosophy?

Congrats. You have just proven that Murphy's laws are true - " Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he'll have to touch to be sure."

I can guess that by now, you want to know what's my Philosophy? I don't want to disappoint you. I am the sort of guy who place's Karl Marx's works in front of Goddess Saraswathi on Saraswathi Pooja day of Dushera festival and dutifully reads those books on the next day of Vijayadasami. Now, what do you make of that?

I guess you can call me a Confusionist.

(c) Vijayaganesh Sampathkumar -2009. All Rights Reserved.

The Austerity Drive

The Chairman of the newly formed Austerity Overseeing Authority of India(AOAI), Mr.Sinha, woke up at 6 AM. He quickly switched off the Carrier Aircon air-conditioning in his Government provided bungalow with 6 bedrooms. His Butler (12000 per month) brought him bed tea in a fine bone china tea set imported from England (98 pounds).

He quickly brushed and showered in his Kohler Freelance (upwards of 200000) shower suite and dressed in his Reid & Taylor suit (34000). He had his breakfast of toast and gourmet coffee and left for office in his Government provided chauffeur driven white Honda Civic car (1180000) with revolving top lights to his office. His brand new swanky office was located at 28, Kanjoos Marg, New Delhi - 110 002. (built with 50 crores of tax payer money).

He occupied his desk made of Burma Teak wood (upwards of 120000). Behind him, the logo of AOAI was painted on the wall. It had a Black Vulture looking stern and business like. Below it the statement read - "WE WORK TO SAVE YOUR MONEY". In his office, he checked the files in his "In" tray and signed all the waiting files with his Sheaffer Javelin pen (774.50).

He called his secretary (12000 per month) to book a ticket to Mumbai to attend an official meeting next month. For her query about whether to book in a plane (2474 for economy) or train, he said that booking should be made in train only, as he cannot be seen traveling in a plane. He wanted to be an example for others to follow him. He added that he would travel "High Class" in a train and not on "Cattle class" in a plane. The secretary booked the ticket in the Mumbai Rajdhani (3305 for 1st Class AC) for him.

He dictated a letter to his secretary addressing the district collectors of all districts in India about Austerity measures announced by the Government. He told the secretary to print the letter in Color (998 per cartridge) and send in triplicate to each district collector in India (600 + districts, with new ones being formed every other day). He also instructed her to send the letter by Green Dart ( 50 per cover), instead of through India Post (3 per cover).

The time on his Cartier watch was 10.20 AM and he had a meeting with various Regional Austerity Commissioners at 10.30. They had also traveled by train (again 1st class AC) and have been put up in 4 star deluxe hotels (Stay at 5 star hotels are frowned upon by the Government). They all met at The Diplomat hotel's conference center (250000 per day excluding lunch) which was booked to the expense of the Government. They discussed about how to cut wasteful expenditure like Rural Health care, Primary Education and various Irrigation projects.

At 12.30, they all broke for lunch at the Olive River restaurant. They enjoyed the buffet spread (799 plus taxes). The Chairman particularly enjoyed the "Corn on the Cob with Mint-Feta" and "Mahi-Mahi in Tomato Olive Sauce" and had a third helping of each. They all got back to their discussion at 2 PM.

They discussed more on cost cutting and finally agreed to issue instructions to all Government offices, that there is going to be no such thing as a "Free Tea" for the Government staff, henceforth. They estimated that this measure is going to save the exchequer to the extent of 250 crores per annum. The Government will open tea centers at all offices (Additional cost to exchequer is 200 Crores per annum and this was never discussed) and the Government staff will have to pay for their cup of tea henceforth.

With that, they had their tea break. They had Japanese Green Tea along with plates of Salted Cashewnuts, Paneer Pakodas and Dhoklas (only 499 plus taxes).

They continued their session for another half an hour discussing about things in general and concluded that their meeting that day was a great success. They wound up their meeting and went off to catch their trains (do I again have to say, that its 1st Class AC?) to get back to their respective regions.

While leaving, at the main door of the hotel, the Chairman tipped the Doorman with a brand new Five Rupees coin and felt proud about himself and of his job about saving the tax payer's money.

(c) Vijayaganesh Sampathkumar -2009. All Rights Reserved.

The WADA Pav Controversy

Last month, it was everywhere in the news. Every newspaper worth their salt covered it. Every TV channel worth their TRP covered it. I thought what the heck...what is all this noise about? It’s only then I started reading about the much-dreaded WADA pav rules. And indeed it is dreadful. Go on. Read the story and make your own judgment.

The core issue is this: The International Ticket Council (ITC) has made it mandatory that all agents under its governance have to enforce the WADA pav rules. The ITC’s grand agent in India, the Board for no Control on Tickets in India (BCTI), has in turn wanted to obtain their players’ consent for these rules. This is the point where they hit the bottle…I mean, bottleneck. The players are refusing to sign the WADA pav rules and are on the verge of mutiny. The BCTI, sensing a serious threat of revolt from their contracted players has instead taken up the matter with the ITC. It is understood that the BCTI has knowledge about the players eating WADA pav and is worried that by signing this clause, some of them will be caught doing it.

What is so dreadful about the WADA pav rules that the Indian Ticket players are refusing to sign? The primary objective of the WADA pav rules is that no player, in any sport, can eat WADA pav, either knowingly or unknowingly, as it is supposed to increase their stamina and serve as a performance booster. Eating WADA pav is frowned upon by the world’s sporting bodies, though widely practiced by players, in private. You may recollect that the Canadian athlete Bin Gonesince had tested positive for eating WADA pav and was stripped off his gold medal as he forgot to pay for it.

Also, the ITC endorsed WADA pav rules stipulate that every player has to fill up a whereabouts clause, where in they have to mention, where they will be present at any given time, for the next 3 months. This is to help the Inspectors catch the players doing it. This is the clause that the Ticket players are worried about. They feel that they would be vacationing in Maldives, or playing you-know-what games with you-know-who in hotel rooms or visiting nightclubs, etc. and they don’t want their WADA pav inspectors to visit them at such places and catch them doing it.. oops, eating it. It’s too much of a clause for some of them. I mean, if I were them, I would be worried sick, if I were doing it and I don’t want the Inspector to catch me doing it.

The Indian Skipper M. S. Money had this to say: “…. ‘I don’t know where this clause came from. It cannot be true because what happens inside a hotel room or nightclub when the selectors, the captain and the coaches are there, when it comes out it is disgusting and disrespectful. Things like this should not be happening. I’m not saying something happened in the hotels, but over the years we have seen things…”.

The first mate Raviraj Ming was quoted as saying “… I mean this clause is stupidity. If they don’t want players to eat WADA pav, they should not make them anymore. Its gross violation of privacy, when they ask for details of where a player will be in the next X month’s time, so that they can try catching them doing it. I mean, with my commitments and girl friends, how can I be sure where I will be doing it and whose address will I give?” True enough for him, I would say.

The owner of a league team, Ms. Pretty Junta offered this: “ I don’t see how players can escape this clause. Even my current partner Bread Bee has signed this clause. I mean, I eat WADA pav almost daily. Next thing, they would even say that the team owners should not eat WADA pav, as it may indirectly assist the players. I am worried for Bread Bee”.

The clause is a cause of serious concern for some players. The scorching pace man Giri Kanth from down south is a worried man these days. “ What is WADA pav? Never heard of it. I only eat Pav BHAJJI. Pav BHAJJI is my all time favorite. Sometimes, when you eat it, it would feel like someone has slapped you hard in the face. You should try it once. It would be the experience of a lifetime. I can never get enough of Pav BHAJJI” was all he offered, when a reporter questioned him.

The Indian political leader Bhoj Mockery claimed that this is an act of insult to the great WADA pav and is tact used by Northerners to suppress local food recipes. He claimed that Northerners should stop eating WADA pav and only players who eat WADA pav daily should be selected in the National Ticket team.

There are also international players like Raffle Goodall who have signed the rules but say that it’s a violation of privacy. US Tennis Ace Guindy Maari called this rule “Dragonian”, implying that some WADA pavs are really spicy.

However, Indian Tennis players Mania Ghar-jaa and Lihesh have urged the Indian Ticket players to sign the rules, as they both have signed.

It is confusing to read all the reports and come to a conclusion. If one of the all time tennis greats, Wager DHL with all his commitments can sign this and live with it, why not the Indian Ticket players? The other Ticket players have all signed it. If you are really in the clean, one should not worry about this rule. If there are no skeletons in the cupboard, why not bare (bear) it?

All this writing has made me hungry. Wish I could have a Wada Pav now. mmm..... Yummy.

(c) Vijayaganesh Sampathkumar -2009. All Rights Reserved.

A Tale of Two Neighbors

“No. You should not go now.” Screamed the father.

“Why are you not listening to your father?” asked her mother.

“But I want to go to our neighbors house and play” the little one said.

“Look. Summer is about to begin. You should not go now” – Father.

“No papa. I want to go and play there at least for a little bit of time” – She insisted.

“Illa. Ninu ada dayamadu illa.” – Father.

“ Please papa. Their house is bigger. I can also play there” – She.

“It’s going to be hot. You should be here with us only” – Father.

“Please appa. Na Truptigolisu. Its been a while now” – She.

“Okay. You can go when your sister also joins you” – Father.

“When will she join me?” – She.

“When it rains heavily, dear” – Her mother now.

Then, all of a sudden, there were several thunders heard and it started to rain very heavily. Soon thereafter, her younger sister came running into their home.

“Okay dear. You both can go now” – Father and Mother.

Cauvery and her sister Kabini rushed joyfully to their neighbor Stanley’s house, while her father Krishna Raja and mother Harangi watched.

(c) Vijayaganesh Sampathkumar -2009. All Rights Reserved.

Policy of Truth

I was feeling lazy the other day and was just channel surfing. At some point I developed ache on my fingers and stopped surfing at a particular channel. It appears that I had accidentally stumbled on to the latest sensation to hit our screens. Yes. Your guess is right. It was a show called Sachin ka Dhaba or something like that. I think there was an uproar in the Parliament about this show… About MPs wanting this to be telecast inside the Parliament house or something.

In the show, there was this guy in a dark business suit with an unbuttoned shirt inside asking some questions to this nervous looking other guy wearing a silk red color necktie. This nervous looking guy was some practice head or something in a leading IT company called Petro Consultancy Infosystems Public Unlimited. There was a pyramid kind of thing in the back ground with lots of money written on it. Lots of sound effects were there for each pause by the contestant and lots of lights, as if like a pop concert. Lots of tense looking faces in the audience, as though they are in the hot seat.

Now on to the show...
(Note: All Q's are from the guy in the suit and all A's from the nervous looking guy.)

Q : Do you love working for your company?
A : (Thinks hard...) Yes... Well..Er... No. I don’t think so. Their pay sucks.
(The polygraph machine confirms this answer to be correct).

Q : Do you like your job?
A: (Whew.. that’s easy) Yes. You see, I get to fly across the world, meeting rich clients and sell our great software services and selling out myself in the process. Yeah. Its great work and I loooove my job.
(The polygraph machine confirms this answer to be correct).

.
.
(Some questions later)
.
Q: What do you think of your current client?
A: (Oh.. God.. This is not going as I expected) Well, um.. I think they are the best in terms of knowledge and know very clearly what they want.. and…. (trails off...)
Q: Lets see what the polygraph says about this.
A: (Screams..) Wait!! Wait!! I am not through with this yet.. I think they are lousy and are idiots to the core and who is only interested in going home at 4.30 in the evening, so that they can take care of their dogs and go to night parties, while we end up slogging thro the whole night. Plus, they are loaded with cash, which is the only thing our company is interested in.
(The polygraph machine confirms this answer to be correct).

.
.
.

Q: Have you ever included any personal expense as official expense and made your client pay for it?
A: (Oh.. God. I am in deep Sh**. Why are you doing this to me???) Well.. Yes.. Sort of.. you see..there were these times that we went to Hooters and the expense on booze ran up a bit too high and... (again trails off…)
Q: Lets see what the..
A: (Interrupts..) No no.. Wait.. I am not through yet.. and.. there were these other times when we had to include taxi charges on visits made to the strip clubs and casinos over the weekend and….(pauses)
Q: And??
A: and…well and this other occasion where we bought some electronics and chocolates for people back home and soaps for the missus and kind of mistakenly included them with the rest of the bills when we submitted them to the client .. and...well.. that’s it I guess…(mops his brows).

Q: Lets see what the polygraph had to say on this…

(There were expectations all around and a great deal of music.
The polygraph machine confirms this answer to be correct.)

Q: Congratulations!!! You have answered all the questions correctly. You have won 10 million as prize money. Surely you must be happy.. Tell our viewers what you plan to do with this load of money.
A: Well... You see I did not expect you to ask such questions. I was hoping that you would ask easy questions like whether I had any extra marital relationships, whether I cheated on my wife..and whether I had been a peeping tom in my college days and the works..Those kind of stuff that you usually ask. But you started asking questions that I was not expecting.. It was tough answering your questions. As for the prize money.. I guess I could use it to pay my mortgage payments and credit card bills, since I am going to be out of work soon..and use the remaining money for paying legal fees to defend all the lawsuits that is going to come out of this. Thank you any way.. I am soooo happy that I will now become a celebrity bankrupt. Thanks to you, i had my fifteen minutes of fame.

I switched off the TV and went to sleep.

(c) Vijayaganesh Sampathkumar -2009. All Rights Reserved.

The Great Frisking Incident

The big news today was that an Indian Actor was “hassled” and “interrogated” today at a US airport. Ah!!! What a story for the media!!! Suddenly Swine Flu did not matter. Swine Flu deaths were not reported.

It is sad to see that Indian media is about sensationalizing any small nugget about a movie star and things like India’s 63rd Independence Day celebrations, Swine Flu and everything else took a back seat. Because, the driver in the front seat was an Indian movie star.

The media is stooping too low and sensationalizing anything and everything involving movie stars. The guy may be a big movie star. That does not mean he has two bullhorns. Does he think he is the lord of the Universe? It is reported that he is “Sad” and “Angry” and “humiliated” and what not. What else does he expect in a US airport? Its very much part of their procedure and I am sure that they would have followed laid down procedures for this. Grow up man!!! Stop being a sissy!!!

This is typical Indian VIP mentality. They are used to all kinds of VIP treatment in Indian airports and which is what is making them expect the same stuff everywhere they go. Those spoilt brats!!! They cannot handle life when reality stares at their face. Oh… What a hurt for the great actor!! With the kind of inflated egos such people have, it is no wonder that a small wayward incident has been made into a huge issue.

The actor made a statement to the media that he “appreciated my independence a million times more today”. So it takes some “frisking” and “questioning” in a phoren land for him to realize that he is “Independent” in his home country. Oh… Great news for Indians celebrating their 63rd Independence Day.

One great Indian minister is going to take up this issue with the US. I wonder what kind of response the minister is hoping to get on this. It was even reported that the minister had suggested “Tit for Tat”.

The great Bollywood industry cannot digest the fact that one of their leading lights has been questioned in a US Airport. It is reported that the Bollywood fraternity is “extremely displeased” with what had happened. There were Twitter posts, interviews and what not from anyone and everyone who think of them so highly and feel like speaking out in support of their colleague in distress.

Here is my take on this incident:

1) Many people visiting US face the same problems. It is a fact of reality for any US traveler and part and parcel of US travel. If you feel you cannot digest such incidents, please do not travel to the US. Don’t expect to visit their country and think that you will be treated like you will be treated in Indian Airports. Also, such incidents are being faced by hundreds of people daily from many nations, including many Indians. If you are squeamish about such incidents, don’t visit the US. I am sure that the great Indian actor will forget what had happened to him and will again gladly visit the US in future, if its going to help him with his business.

2) It is disgusting to note that the media is quick to grab on to such stories without getting into details of what had happened. They are going by one version of the story and made no efforts (based on whatever reports I have seen so far) to find out the other side of the story. I don’t see how this story had suddenly become more important than Swine Flu deaths. No Fresh Swine Flu deaths were reported today. Not sure if it was because that there were no deaths (which I hope is true) or was because the media bosses thought such news have become boring and they are better off on reporting how the great Indian actor was “Frisked” and “Questioned” and what not at an US Airport. This just shows that the media (or at least most of them) have no real principles in selecting which news to give priority to. I don’t see how an Actor getting “Frisked” and “Questioned” in an US Airport is bigger news than India’s 63rd Independence Day celebrations. Just shows how we have squandered and misused our “Independence”. If someone calls Indian media as a “Fourth estate” of our country, it is just shameful and farce.

3) It is shocking to see an Indian minister making rude statements to the media like “Tit for Tat” etc. before ascertaining the facts. Speaks highly of the capability of our ministers. This is not the first time it has happened to an Indian. Why this minister had not raised a voice against such treatment earlier? In fact this sort of thing is a daily affair that Indian and other world travelers are experiencing. Is it because the said minister is in awe of the great actor that the minister is now angry and wants “Tit for Tat”?

4) It is shameful on the bollywood fraternity part to jump into the bandwagon and give out all sorts of statements just for their own publicity. Oh… Such shameless people.

5) You may recollect another recent incident, which in fact had sadly happened in an Indian Airport to our former President Dr.Kalam. You just need to see how Dr.Kalam reacted to the incident and how the great Indian actor reacted to the incident. Just shows how great Dr.Kalam is and how squeamishly childish the so-called “King” is.

(c) Vijayaganesh Sampathkumar -2009. All Rights Reserved.