No Such Thing

The other day, I went to the nearby Small Bazaar, a superstore by the Past Tense group.  I wanted to buy some stuff and thought it’s a good idea to go to the Small Bazaar, as I could buy whatever I needed in one place.

There was a cursory-at-best security check, before the entry.  For some reason, even if a bungling stupidest terrorist / shoplifter / thug wants to gain entry, they would have easily done so with the ease of a hot knife through butter.

Once inside, I was taking the things I wanted and dropped them in to my shopping basket. I noticed that in the toothpaste section there was a big banner for SUCH, a Toothpaste, which is co-created by a leading  cricketer. I wondered what the cricketer has to do with a toothpaste. Whenever he faces the bowlers, especially the fast bowlers, you could notice his shiny white teeth through the helmet visor, before he hits the ball. I never realized that it was an advertisement for this co-created toothpaste.

There was also SUCH a Tooth Brush. I wondered who would buy those tooth brushes and tooth paste. Definitely the fast bowlers who bowl to him would never buy those, as they would never want to have a brush with SUCH a player. However I noticed that every other guy in the supermarket had  SUCH a Tooth Paste /Brush in their shopping basket. I could see that they all were wearing a woolen coat.

It immediately made me realize that cricketers are waking up to the fact that they can put their name to anything and everything in India and can sell it off easily. They have cleverly started with the first thing you do when you wake-up. They have a whole new day in front of them to sell everything until we sleep. There could be a Gau-Tea next up for you to start your day with a cup of hot Tea. Or, there could be an Ass-win tissue paper for you-know-what purpose to help you wipe yourself out.

You can Sing or listen to Hari's Bhajan CDs while you are having your Bread-Hogg's corn flakes for break-fast. You can lock your house with Sean's Pole Locks. You can drive to your office in your latest model Mahendra SUV. If the drive is good, you can always Say - Wah!!!!

Need a wooden finish for your SUV's dash board and interiors? Just get Dinesh Car Teak wood polish. You can have Piyush's Ready-to-eat Chawal and Hari's packaged Bha-Ji for lunch. If the food is too hot, use the Pathan brand IR-FAN (India's Revolutionary FAN) to cool it.

Rain-ah? No worries. Take your Suresh-mark umbrellas that will help you keep dry. Pooja at home? Again no worries. Call Sharma Manpower services for the best in town puRohits. You can also buy YU-VI protected sunglasses from Raj Opticals.

In case you are one who is worried about an unwanted pregnancy, there is even a Steyn's iGuard brand of abdomen guards. It’s really fragile, thin and absolutely weightless. All you need to do is wear it and play a cricket match and ensure that you get hit on the right spot. It really works there will be some pain for 72 hours. After that.... You can forget about the kids.

Just then there was a clutter near me and it brought me back to my senses. A shop employee rolled in a cart and shouted aloud - "Trouser cloth - Only Rs.100/- Only for next 5 minutes. Hurry up..."

There was a mad rush and people pushed each other vying to take a Trouser cloth. Within a couple of minutes, everyone has taken a Trouser cloth and the cart were empty. I am sure that none of those who took it, ever had an intention of buying one, when they entered the store.

Just then, there was another announcement over the PA system. Special Offer - Buy SUCH toothpaste worth Rs.100/- and get one SUCH toothbrush free. Hurry up. Offer valid only if you bill it in the next 10 minutes. Again there was a mad rush and everyone around took 4 to 5 toothpaste packs and rushed to the billing counter.

I was a mute spectator to all this. I was wondering how the likes of these Bazaars and the Cricketers and the Advertisers and the Salesmen try to pry away the hard-earned money of common people using all sorts of techniques. I gripped my wallet tightly and went towards the billing counter.

God... I know that there is no such thing as a free lunch. Still, why are you making me come to such places and spend my hard earned money like this? I searched hard within myself for an answer. I did not find one.

May be I am also wearing a woolen coat like everyone else around me, without realizing it.

PS - This portion was added on 30th April 2010. There is a new Mango variety named after a cricketer. Read this article: http://www.ndtv.com/news/cities/a-mango-named-sachin-22076.php

In Tamilnadu, people call those who are a bit on the slower side as "Maan-gaa". For those of you, who don't know Tamil, "Maan-gaa" means raw un-ripe Mango fruit. The time is not far off when all of us will be made "Maan-gaa"s.

(C) Vijayaganesh Sampathkumar 2010. All Rights Reserved.